As we examine the life of Jesus and how He interacted with women, we cannot skip over one of the most famous stories in the New Testament. It is found in John 11.  Jesus was close friends with a man named Lazarus and his two sisters, Mary and Martha.  He often stayed at their home whenever He passed through their area.  However, at a time they needed Him most, Jesus was nowhere to be found.

            Lazarus became gravely ill.  Immediately, Mary and Martha sent for Jesus to come and pray for their brother so he could be healed. However, Lazurus died before Jesus arrived.  Needless to say, Jesus arrived to face two devastated, heartbroken women.

           Grief and loss are powerful emotions, and they are compounded when the death is sudden and unexpected.   You feel shocked, numb, and stunned beyond words that this actually happened.  You feel helpless and hopeless as you are forced to deal with the loss of your loved one and the loss of security that accompanies it.  It is a devastating time.  Jesus walked into this situation.

            When Jesus arrived, He was met by Martha who was visibly shaken and very upset.  Jesus went to her to comfort her.  He helped Mary and Martha individually.  The two women faced the situation in totally different ways.  Martha dealt with her grief by keeping busy.  She dealt with the funeral arrangements, handling relatives, and making all the plans and concessions.  Mary reacted in a totally different way.  She was emotionally devastated.  Unable to deal with the pain, she wept and wept. 

           Jesus was able to interact with each woman and deal with them where they were.  He was able to rationalize with Martha and comfort her by giving her words of hope and comfort.  He reached Mary by showing her love, compassion, and comfort.  Mary didn’t need words, she needed comforting.   The Bible clearly says Jesus wept with Mary (John 11:35).  This incident in the Bible concludes with Jesus resurrecting Lazarus and bringing him back to life.  We don’t have the ability to bring people back from the dead like Jesus, but we do have the ability to comfort those who grieve and be a rock of support for them.  

           Most men are not very good at being comforting and handling grief.  We are much better at socializing in fun times.  However, Romans 12:15 commands us to rejoice with those who rejoice and mourn with those who mourn.  In order to become godly men, we need to learn how to help those who are grieving. 

           Recently, I experienced one of the greatest losses of my life when my mom went to be with Jesus.  We were extremely close, and the grief was greater than I could have ever imagined.   As my family went through this difficult time, I learned many things about grieving and helping those who grieve.  To help other men learn how to be better comforters, I have compiled a list of things to consider when interacting with grieving people.

1.       Never say to the grieving “It’s never going to get any easier”.  So many people have said that to my sister and I.  They think they are helping, but it only makes a grieving person feel hopeless.  The most helpful thing someone said to us was that things were probably going to be bad for a few months, but it would get easier.  They said it would probably be hard on holidays and special occasions at first, but with time we would begin to enjoy life again.  They encouraged us to not feel guilty on good days.  This advice helped us understand that it was normal to take time to grieve, but it gave hope.  At a time of loss, you need hope.

2.     Don’t ask the grieving person what you can do to help.  Just help.  Jump in and do what you see needs to be done.  Don’t expect them to tell you what to do or how to do it.  If they were capable of doing it themselves, they would have. 

        The best example I ever saw of this was on the night my mom died.  We called a friend for prayer.  He lived about an hour from our house and 2 hours from the hospital.  When he heard what happened, he jumped in his car and drove to the hospital to be with us.   He had just finished a hard 12 hour day.  Still, he cancelled his plans and drove through Friday night rush hour traffic in horrible weather to be with us.   Then, he drove us home and stayed with us.  When he saw a sink full of dishes, he washed them for us.  He cleaned up the entire kitchen.  He didn’t ask us what to do. He just did it.  I doubt I will ever forget this.

3.    Don't tell the person to “call if they need anything”.  At first, the grieving person will be too devastated to ask for help.  Later, when they are more functional, they aren’t going to intrude on your life. When they have bad days, they aren’t going to reach out for help in fear the person will say “no”.  This is why we need to allow the Holy Spirit to lead us to check in on them.  Take responsibility and call them.  Find out how they are doing. 

4.    Do not offer to help a person if you don’t really mean it.  I had someone tell me they would be there for me to help me through the pain.  However, whenever I reached out for help, they relayed an attitude that they didn’t want to be bothered.  I am not criticizing or airing dirty laundry, I am just trying to help us all be good comforters to those who mourn. Learn from this example and don’t offer to help if you don’t intend to be there when they need you.

      On the other hand, there was a friend who offered to help and has been there any and everytime I have reached out for help, no matter the time of day.    He didn't just offer, he stood behind his offer. 

5.   Don’t tell the griever “This is not that big of a deal.  We all face loss eventually”.   While it is true that death happens to us all, it is a big deal to them.  They are feeling grief and pain.  To say it is no big deal diminishes their feelings, and it actually diminishes the life of the deceased.  This is just insensitive.  This is a time to be encouraging and comforting, not dismiss feelings.  It is a time to show understanding and show empathy for them.  It was the people who said “I understand what your going through” that were the most helpful.